Playing For Keeps
by Slipsandfalls
Summary: College AU. Dean is a college student who has lost about everything but his little brother and his job at Ellen's. When he meets a blue-eyed man at a cafe he decides he wants more. Rated M just to be safe, not really sure how this one's going to play out. WARNINGS: Eventual angst, drug use and self harm.
1. Chapter 1

**Playing for keeps**

Dean sat in the run-down café waiting for Sam to get back from school, his eyes scanning the crowd in boredom. His coffee tasted terrible and he kept it as far away from him as possible. He sat back in his chair thinking, trying to cheer himself up for Sam. It had become a common practice since his grades had started dropping dramatically and his teachers had started threatening to fail him.

His head started to ache from just thinking about it so he took a bite of his under-cooked key lime pie.

Finally, a familiar sasquatch entered the café and shuffled over to Dean, arms piled high with books.

"Hey, Dean"

"How was school?" Dean asked, taking the books from his little brother and placing them on the table between them.

Sam's face lit up and he looked like he was just offered a puppy. Dean thought it was insane, but Sam loved talking about school "Pretty good…" he paused for a moment, searching Dean's face, "And you?"

Dean's eyes went wide in shock.

"What? No word-for-word analysis of that hot chemistry teacher you love almost as much as the subject?"

Sam sniffed. "Hey, she's got brains. And I don't love her."

Sam loved nothing more than school and it always seems to baffle him that Dean didn't feel the same way. Dean didn't care what the kid found joy in; he hadn't seen Sam this happy since before their parents died. Dean chuckled and pushed the rest of his pie towards Sam.

"Eat up."

Sam didn't hesitate for a moment before picking up Dean's fork and shoveling that damn pie into his gob. Dean watched his little brother and grinned; at least Sam wouldn't be asking him about his day for a little while.

A high pitched whining broke out in the café and Dean turned to see a little girl at the counter who had just dropped her ice cream cone. Dean rolled his eyes and turned back to Sam. The kid kept screaming and Dean clenched his fists.

"Where the hell are that kid's parents, anyway?"

Both Sam and Dean looked around for a mother, but no one seemed to be with the child. She continued screaming and screaming and Dean was just about to yell out for someone to shut the kid up when a dark haired man approached the kid and knelt down to her level. He wore a black t-shirt and blue jeans that fit in a way that made Dean shiver a bit. His hair was tousled and short and, even from this distance, Dean could see that his eyes were so blue they put the cookie monster to shame.

Cute Guy (wait since when did he think guys were cute?) knelt down next to the kid and grabbed her hands gently with one hand and lifted the child's face with the other

"Now, is that any way to act in public?" came the man's gruff voice.

The kid stopped crying but it looked like she was more confused than soothed. The man looked up at the girl standing behind the register- who obviously was new on the job since she was looking at the kid like it was a time bomb- and said "Can you please grab the kid another ice cream? I'll pay."

The checkout girl nodded, clearly eager to leave the matter to him and grateful all she had to do was fetch some ice cream- which she all but ran to do. She was back quickly, handing Cute Guy the cone like it was the he would use to diffuse the bomb.

The dark haired man thanked her and then offered the ice cream to the little girl who was on the verge of tears again until she took it from him. He smiled at her and then turned around, his eyes falling directly on Dean.

After looking around, Dean realized he was the only one still paying any interest in the matter and felt his cheeks warm up.

A haughty woman strutted her way into the café and quickly took the girl's hand, giving the man, who she probably assumed was inferior (or a pedophile), a look of disdain and disgust before practically dragging the kid out of the café saying "Who was that man? Did he hurt you? Come on, daddy's waiting."

The man was still kneeling on the ground and he sighed- sounding more exhausted than annoyed. He plucked a few napkins from the counter and cleaned up the first ice cream the girl had dropped, then tossed the ruined ice cream in the bin and paid the cashier.

The man then went to sit in the corner of the shop with a book that looked like it had been read at least a thousand times.

Sam cleared his throat, pulling Dean's focus back.

"Hello? Earth to Dean? You in there?"

Dean shook his head. "What?"

"Look, you can stay here but I'm going to meet up with the Mathletics Team at the library." He grunted and carefully stacked each of his books one on top of the other like they were before. "I'll see you at home, 'kay?"

Dean nodded distractedly and helped Sam with his school bag, glancing from time to time at Cute Guy (he really needed to think of something else to call him). Sam stalked out of the café to go to his nerd-herd, leaving Dean sitting and staring at a man who basically screamed "Come talk to me because I'm really hot."

I'm not even gay he thought. Well, he hoped he wasn't. He liked girls, mostly. He had to admit that when he was jerking off at least ninety per cent of the time he thought of one of the really buff jocks he saw sitting in the back of his classroom. Sure, they were dumb as doornails and were only taking Society and Culture because they had to but damn they looked good.

Dean brought himself back to the present and mentally scolded himself when the blue-eyed man looked up to find him staring, gave a smirk, and went back to his book.

Dean gave himself a quick pep talk telling himself to man up before he stood (abandoning his god-awful coffee) and walked cautiously over to the man. He paused and took a breath and decided to play it cool.

"Whatcha reading?" he asked, casually leaning onto the table.

The blue-eyed man looked up through his eyelashes and gave a small smile that made Dean's heart pound.

"Hi."

Dean leaned a little harder on the table in order to maintain control "I'm Dean, by the way… Mind if I sit?"

"Castiel," the man said softly and pushed out the chair opposite him with his feet for Dean.

Dean nodded. "Castiel. Odd name."

Castiel blushed a bit and said, "After the angel Cassiel. My parents are religious."

Dean ducked his head to peek at the cover of Castiel's book "Moby-Dick? Do you like it? I tried reading it once but it was a little... long"

Castiel smiled and his face glowed in the light from the sunset that was pouring through the window beside their table. It made his eyes sparkle. They were kind of beautiful. His stubble made him look messy, but somehow even more handsome. Dean noticed when Castiel's head tilted up to look at him that his skin was covered in make-up and made a mental note to ask him about it on one of the many occasions Dean planned to spend in this coffee shop from now on.

"It's good. I like the way Melville writes. I've read this book so many times I'm surprised I haven't burnt it out of boredom."

Dean laughed- actually laughed- for the first time today and maybe all week. He felt school just float away and he leaned his chin on his hands, feeling absolutely carefree with this stranger.

"What you did for that girl was really nice. I can't believe she didn't even say thank you."

Castiel only shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. Dean's heart continued to beat abnormally fast.

"So what do you do?" Dean asked anxiously.

Castiel sort of reddened, his eyes flashing away.

"I'm between jobs right now." Dean nodded "What about you?"

"I study mechanics at the local college." He said, a little uneasy about what Castiel would think.

Castiel grinned.

"Really? I've always liked cars. They seem to be the only form of technology that doesn't repel me."

Dean laughed and they continued to talk about cars and Dean's Impala. Their talk had shifted to the subject of Dean's studies when Dean's phone buzzed. He opened the message from Sam. Can you pick me up? I missed my bus home.

Dean sighed and replied that he'd be there in ten.

"I have to go," Dean said and he noticed Castiel falter considerably. "I have to pick up my baby brother. Can I meet you here tomorrow?"

Castiel eyes brightened as Dean got up. Castiel wrote his number down and gave it to Dean, who carefully folded it and put it in his jacket pocket "Between 9 and 5 on Saturdays and Tuesdays"

Dean's brow furrowed.

"What?"

"The times you can call me. You know… If you want to."

Dean nodded.

"Okie dokie then, weirdo." he said playfully and left.

When Dean went to the café the next morning, however, Castiel was nowhere to be seen.


	2. Chapter 2

"Fine." Dean was gradually giving in to Sam "I'll drive you tomorrow but this morning I have stuff to do. In fact, after today, we're going back to our old routine." He said around a mouthful of cornflakes.

This "stuff" was going down to the café to check if Castiel had turned up yet. He didn't really want to wait three days to call him. Dean's disappearances had become a daily ritual which got in the way of driving Sam to school and then picking him up from school to go to Mathletes. All of which Sam would have to catch a bus for if it weren't for Dean, which he absolutely hated doing for some reason.

Sam narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure?"

Dean couldn't see Castiel magically turning up anytime soon so he agreed, "No more morning trips"

Sam smiled widely, showing all of his remarkably straight white teeth, and hugged his brother affectionately.

Dean rolled his eyes and ruffled Sam's hair

"Come on, l said I would drive you to school, not take you to Disneyland."

Sam laughed and grabbed his bag from the counter. He headed to the front door (approximately the longest stretch of floor in the tiny cramped apartment but Sam could now cover this in three steps) and slid on his shoes.

"See you at the café?" Sam asked, turning the knob and stepping out into the hall.

"Yeah, I'll see you then!" Dean shouted through the now closed door.

Dean stared at his cornflakes a bit and then went to hunt down his textbooks and study on the sofa. He glared at the letters that formed words and sentences and paragraphs and pages. He hated studying. He glanced at the clock, wondering whether he could just sit in the café all day.

"Tell you what," Dean said to himself quietly, "We'll study at the café."

He liked this idea and it got better and better as he dressed and drove down there. The mood there was lighter than at the apartment and it actually did make him study better. He was getting really into one of his engineering books when he heard the blinds on the café door clatter as it was opened and he looked up.

Castiel walked in silently and sat in the same spot he did last time, getting out Moby-Dick. He had a faint purple bruise on his left eye that looked like it hurt like a bitch. Dean didn't know whether Castiel had noticed him or not, but either way, Castiel wasn't heading over too soon.

Dean tried to get back into his books and had almost succeeded when Castiel started coughing. Dean glared at his book and Castiel kept coughing. Dean shot up from his chair and stalked over to Castiel, slamming his fist on the table and making the other man jump.

"Are you alright there? Need a cough drop? Because some of us need to study but can't because you just keep on hacking on over here!"

Dean realized the whole café was now staring at him. Castiel was looking up, fear in his eyes. Dean flushed and narrowed his eyes at Castiel.

"Oh come on, man up. Some loud words make you a pussy?"

Castiel's mouth opened and closed but no words came out. Dean took the silence as a cue to explain himself.

"Where the hell have you been anyway? I mean, it's not like I care, but I just think it's a little rude to tell someone you'll meet them the next day and then not turn up."

Well, at least he tried to explain himself. Every single person around him was either looking at him like he was either crazy or about to blow up. He sat down across from Castiel and stared at him until he said something.

"I was caught up in family issues." Castiel finally said. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you take plans so seriously."

Guilt rushed through Dean "Uh… Yeah, well… You have to keep organized with your plans. Very important. And stuff." He cringed, thinking maybe he could have done without the "And stuff"

Castiel stared at the cover of his book.

"I'm sorry."

Another pang of guilt.

"Uh, that's okay. Really. I overreacted."

Castiel glanced up, although obviously still cautious and gave a weak smirk. "Just a little bit."

They talked for a while. They actually talked for so long that the next time Dean thought to look at his watch he realized Sam would be there any minute. They planned to meet the next day after Dean had taken Sam to school.

They formed a pattern over the next week where every other day (when he didn't have school) Dean would take his books down to the café and study until Castiel turned up when they would order coffee and cake and talk. Sometimes Castiel would ask Dean if he could see the textbooks and he would quiz him on what he had learned the day before.

One afternoon they were sitting in a particularly sunny and cheerful spot in the otherwise pretty gloomy café while Cas was doing one of his quizzes on Dean. He had turned up that day with make-up caked on again, but every time Dean noticed he forgot to ask.

Castiel looked up from Dean's textbook and said, "So you must be pretty impressed with my attendance record. You haven't yelled at me again."

Dean looked down at his hands awkwardly.

"Sorry"

Castiel nodded. "It's okay. I didn't show up. I deserved it."

There was something so scared in that last sentence that Dean subconsciously reached out and held Castiel's hand on top of the table. Castiel started down at their interlaced fingers and blinked. Dean coughed and went to pull away, but for a second Castiel's fingers held on.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Castiel asked, ignoring what had just happened. "I know a nice park down the road."

"Um, sure." Dean said and got up. He collected his books and followed Castiel out the door and down the street.

They walked in silence. It was quiet and Dean could hear the squeaking of Castiel's ratty sneakers against the pavement. The early morning sky was crystal blue and he couldn't see a single cloud. White picket fences glowed in the sunlight outside houses and the windows shined on the little sets of shops that spaced the suburban houses every two blocks or so. The golden autumn leaves were already starting to fall on the path although it was weeks until the season began.

The park was secluded behind a storage factory and a house but it was drowned in light from the warm sun. It consisted of the usual suspects: a swing set, a playground, monkeybars and a bike path through the wide expanse of the park.

Castiel walked straight towards the swings and Dean followed, taking the swing next to him. Castiel kicked his shoes of and said, "I love coming here. It's nice and quiet. And even if there are kids here, it still makes me happy to see them screaming and playing. I kinda missed out on that."

"Why?" Dean asked, kicking off the ground to swing faster.

Castiel explained how he had had a "rather tough" upbringing. His dad had been an abusive alcoholic and beat both him and his mother. He was the youngest of his siblings and they had all left as soon as they could, and so did he. He got a job as an assistant but recently quit. Here he went silent.

Dean told him how his parents had both died when he and his brother were little, and how they were brought up by their dad's friend Bobby. He told him how he had gotten his job at Ellen's and saved up enough to get an apartment closer to Sam's school (although nothing was really close to Sam's school but it cut down a two hour drive to one hour) and had been living there ever since.

Dean was surprised to find himself telling someone all this. He felt like he had known him for longer.

"I guess we're both pretty screwed up aren't we, Cas?"

Cas turned to him.

"Cas?"

"Does it bother you?"

Cas shook his head. "No. I like it."

Dean smiled and curled his bare toes in the sand.

"This is nice."

He looked up to see Cas smiling at him. His smile was a good smile. If there were a contest for good smiles, Dean thought the one that Cas was giving him would be pretty fair competition. He leaned forward a little and curled his fingers around Cas'. Cas closed the space and his lips pressed on Dean's. Cas tasted like coffee and mint and he had a smell that was cross between sweat and vanilla. He removed his fingers from Cas' to hold the back of his head, his other hand keeping him from falling off the swing.

Dean pulled back and looked at Cas. They both stared for a moment before Dean said, "I have to go."

Cas reached out for him.

"Please."

Dean paused.

"Why?"

"Don't go. Please. We can pretend that didn't happen if you want to. Just don't go."

Cas' eyes begged Dean and Dean was quickly giving in. Tears formed in Cas' eyes and streamed down his face. Dean submitted and settled back down on the swing, staring at the sand. Cas did the same and they were quiet except for occasional sniffles from Cas. Dean dropped his hand to his side, outstretched a little. Cas' hand also dropped, outstretched a little. Their hands brushed together as they swung slowly and Dean wondered who Castiel was. He wondered who this other person he kept seeing in Cas was. The one he saw both when he was yelling at him and now, when he was trying to leave. He wondered what had made Cas so obviously broken. For some reason, it made him angry. Why should such a generous and kind person have to be broken?

They stayed holding hands- no, brushing hands as one of them cried and the other planned.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This one is very short, sorry. I would also like to apologise for not updating this for a long while- I had many, many assignments. But, as it is end of term where I live, I am free to do nothing and write. I've actually had this and the next chapter half written for a while so I will upload chapter four later tonight. Ta ta babes… Sorry, I seem to have had a stroke… I'm not weird… I love you. Please enjoy. Or something.**

CHAPTER THREE

Months passed and barely a day went by when Dean didn't see Cas. His grades were improving in leaps and bounds because of Cas' quizzes and his overall happiness. They often went to the park where they would talk for hours on end about anything they wanted, but rarely about what their relationship was.

Dean didn't like that it felt wrong not to see Cas every day but ignored it and carried on waiting for Castiel to come back. He'd actually become whipped, he thought. Dean Winchester, master of the ladies, was whipped. He hated it more than anything.

Dean shook the thought from his head as he came to his senses. His class was ending. The professor called him down to his desk as everyone was leaving.

"Am I in trouble or something?" God. He sounded like a twelve year old girl.

"No, far from it," his professor said, scratching his white beard. Dean had always thought it ridiculous that his professor actually had a white beard and leather patches on his jackets. "You have made a massive improvement in your grades since summer, what's your secret?"

Dean blushed. "Oh, just getting more sleep."

The professor grinned. "Well you better keep that sleeping pattern up to scratch because you're top of the class now. Well done."

Dean gave a massive smile. "Really? Cool!"

The professor chuckled. "Yes, very cool."

…..

"Yeah, top of the class." He bragged to Jo, cleaning off the bar after a long night of serving grubby men who couldn't balance their liquor.

"That's great, hon." Ellen said, rushing around locking up and counting the cash made that night. "Jo won't even go to college"

"Mom, I wanted to but you won't let me go to New York."

Ellen rolled her eyes. "Who says you have to go to some big fancy school to get a degree? Go to Dean's college."

Jo snorted. "That shithole is for dumbasses who can't do any better."

Dean jabbed her in the ribs. "Bitch"

Ellen shoved the money back in the register and went upstairs to bed before she had to witness a punch-up. Dean and Jo cleaned all the glasses and talked.

"So any new girls? Maybe even a girlfriend? You haven't had one of those for a while." Jo winked at him "Give me the scoop!"

Dean shrugged. "No girls." Well, it was true.

Jo turned to him and narrowed her eyes. "Dean, I've known you since kindergarten, if there's one thing I know, it's when a Winchester is lying to me. You've never kept a girl from me before, is she really stupid?"

"Nope, really smart."

"Ah, so there is a girl. What's her name?"

Dean smiled, focusing on the glass in his hands. "Cas"

"Cassandra?"

"Nope."

"Cassidy?"

Dean barked a short laugh. "Not a hooker."

"Then what's it short for?"

"Castiel." Well, it's not like he could lie to Jo. She would find out anyway.

"Castiel? Who the hell names their daughter Castiel?"

"Not a daughter." Dean said curtly, knowing this is when she would find out.

Jo gasped, dropping the glass she was holding onto the floor. Of course, it shattered into millions of tiny pieces that would take forever to clean up.

"Shit, Jo. Watch it." Dean said and knelt down and started sweeping it up.

Jo grabbed his shirt and yanked him up.

"Dean. Stop cleaning. You're fucking gay?!"

Dean looked away from her eyes and shrugged.

"So?"

"Dean, this is big. Since when are you gay? When did you meet this guy? Have you guys…"

Dean shook his head.

"We haven't, not yet." His mind flicked to scenarios in the park when Castiel had tackled him and straddled him, coming very close to the big event. "I met him like six months ago. He's the first person I've been gay for. Well, in an emotional sense at least."

He got back down on his knees and finished up cleaning and only when he was done did Jo have a response.

"So you guys are serious?"

Dean nodded, embarrassed.

"I hope so."

Jo grinned widely at him, giggling, "Dean has a boyfriend."

Dean kicked her lightly.

"Shut up."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here is the fourth chapter as promised. You gotta review guys, otherwise I don't know whether to keep writing. Love you. **

CHAPTER FOUR

"No, I don't care how many cars you bring up, they will still not be better. They are all piles of shit compared to my baby." Dean said firmly and defensively.

Luckily, Dean had not yet raised his voice loud enough to attract attention to them, but that didn't mean he would hesitate to raise hell on a Saturday morning if Cas didn't stop putting down his baby.

"Dean, come on. So many cars are better than yours."

Dean took another sip of coffee and didn't answer, and instead looked out the window. Cas smiled as Dean completely missed his mouth and coffee poured all down his chin and onto his shirt. He held up napkins but Dean ignored him.

"Dean? Napkins?"

Dean pointedly ignored Cas' offer, and instead cleaned himself up with napkins he got himself. He then promptly went back to pretending he was oblivious to Cas' presence.

"Fine. Your car is better than any other. Your baby is the most important thing in the world."

Dean grinned. "See? Was that so hard?"

Cas rolled his eyes. "Is Sam as obsessed with this car as you are?"

Dean shook his head. "Nah. He only cares about books. You should see his book collection."

"I'd like to. I really want to meet him."

Dean tapped his fingers on the edge of his cup and stared at the contents. "Maybe you can. He's home studying, I could take you over."

Cas' eyes lit up and he practically started bouncing in his seat like a five year-old. "Yes! Yes!"

Dean drank the rest of his coffee and jingled his keys.

"Let's go then."

They left and drove the short way to the small apartment building in a dirty corner of Lawrence. Dean tapped his feet nervously the whole way, nervous about showing Cas his home. What if it was too cheap for him? What if he had forgotten to clean up? He then realized than he and Sam never cleaned.

Wide-eyed, he got out of the car and ushered Cas through the entrance and up the stairs to apartment 22. He turned to Cas.

"Please don't be driven away by my apartment."

Cas reached out and squeezed Dean's hand.

"First of all, I won't care or judge you. Second, I will love it."

Unsure, Dean opened the door into the apartment. The place looked tidier Dean had thought it would, but there were a few odds and ends thrown about the place. Sam was curled up on the couch with a book for his English class, and he peered above it to see Dean and Cas walk in.

"Um… Hi?" Sam offered, confused.

Dean gestured to Cas, "This is Castiel- or Cas. He's a buddy."

Sam nodded slowly, looking between the two. "Right…"

"He likes books, if you want to show him yours."

Without another word, Sam was up on his feet and dragging Cas to his room where his massive bookshelf (Which he bought himself, including the books, after washing cars for a month) stood against one wall.

Cas beamed as Sam went through volume after volume and series after series, picking apart minor details about each one and explaining why the book was or was not good (although, you didn't hear the latter often).

Cas seemed to be in heaven as he searched Sam' library.

"Do you wanna borrow some? I mean, you and Dean seem pretty… close, so I can give them to you to borrow right?"

Cas shook his head violently.

"No, I can't. Thank you, but you have earned these books and I haven't."

Sam laughed happily.

"Come on, Cas, take some. It's completely fine."

Cas hesitated and looked at Dean. Dean nodded and Cas started picking up piles of books. By the time he was done, he had collected about fifteen. And that was just for the week.

Sam seemed more than pleased for someone to enjoy his books as well. He'd once tried getting Dean to read, but it had been hopeless. That was when Dean had tried and failed Moby-Dick.

Once Cas had gathered his mound of books, he wanted to see the rest of the place. The only places he hadn't seen were Dean's bedroom and the kitchen, and the kitchen wasn't really that exciting. Once Sam had become engrossed in an old book he hadn't read in the last month, they snuck off into the other bedroom.

Dean stood by the door and watched Cas look around. He had decorated the white walls with posters but the room was still rather bland. He started getting nervous again and tapped in time to "Smoke on the Water" on his leg.

Cas noticed him fidgeting and caught his hand.

"Your place is great. I love the posters."

Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean lightly. The vice-like grip on Dean's heart loosened and he felt every muscle in his body unclench. Dean kissed him back, harder, and liked the way Cas groaned.

Cas pulled him back to the bed and laid down slowly, tugging Dean down on top of him. Dean pulled back to look Cas in the face. He reached up and brushed the purple bruise on Cas' eye that had seemed to renew itself.

"Where'd you get that?"

Cas shook his head.

"Clumsy. Fell over." He tried to pulled Dean's head back down but now Dean was curious.

"How do you even get a black eye by falling over? It looks like it really hurts…"

"Stop it, Dean." Cas laughed playfully, trying to kiss him again.

Dean's eyes travelled to longer bruises lying horizontal on his neck.

"Oh my god."

Cas pushed Dean off of him and got up.

"I fucking said stop it!"

Dean sat frozen in the middle of the bed, stunned to hear Cas swear.

"I just… Why are you so angry about a few bruises?"

"Why are you so worried about a few bruises?" Cas snapped back.

"I don't know, I just don't like to see you hurt because I love…" Dean's words trailed off.

Cas stared at Dean, terrified for a few seconds and then yanked open the door, practically running out of the apartment. He couldn't exactly blame Cas for being scared, he was too.

Dean followed him, grabbing the books he had wanted to borrow and running down the flights of stairs behind him. Cas threw on his coat and walked down the street. Dean stealthily followed in silence.

About ten minutes had passed when Dean wondered if he should just walk up to Cas, because he was clearly not going home. Then Cas stopped in front of a house and stared at it. Dean hid behind the nearest fence and watched him wrap his arms around himself. Cas then began to tread up the footpath and to the door.

He hesitated before knocking. When the door was opened, his head was hanging low and he stared at his feet. The man who answered was lanky and scruffy and holding a beer bottle.

"Where have you been?" The man slurred.

Cas looked up at the man and leaned in to kiss him. Dean froze. The man pulled Cas into the house quite roughly and closed the door. A few seconds later you could hear the man's moans.

Dean got up and started running in the opposite direction. His feet kicked up grass as he ran so hard his lungs were hurting already. He sprinted past a liquor shop and turned back to go inside. He grabbed a few bottles of scotch and paid.

Outside, the sky was starting to turn on him, growing more cloudy and grey by the minute as he made his way back home. Sam asked where they went, but Dean simply took a swig of his scotch, flinched and went to his room.

It looked as if Cas hadn't there just a few minutes ago. That he hadn't been about to take the kiss further before Dean messed things up on the very bed he was currently lying on.

He took another swig. "Fuck everyone."

His phone began to ring. The caller ID said it was Jo. He pressed ignore. "And fuck her too."

…..

A few hours later Sam opened the door into the pitch black room.

"I ordered pizza. I guessed you wouldn't feel like cooking." He came into the room and sat on the bed. "And we all know I shouldn't try cooking" he said with a chuckle that Dean supposed was meant to encourage him to laugh too.

After more silence Sam reached over and tapped Dean on the shoulder. "What's up? Something happen with Cas?" There was something in Sam voice that hinted at him knowing that it was a relationship problem. Not that there was any relationship, Dean thought.

Sam sighed.

"I didn't do anything, did I?"

Dean sat up. "Of course not."

Sam grinned. "Made you talk."

Dean crashed back onto the bed. "I don't want any pizza." He pulled his wallet out of his jeans and gave Sam a twenty. "Enjoy."

Sam took the hint and left the room. It'd been a while since Dean had crashed like this. Probably the anniversary of Mary's death last year.

Dean stared into the darkness, wishing everything that happened that day would go away. He had told – or almost told- Cas he loved him and what did Cas do? He went to go sleep with someone else. He took another mouthful of Scotch before burying his head into a pillow for what he hoped would be a good drunken sleep free of thoughts about Cas.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: To all those who review or followed my fic: YOU ARE A GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL PERSON (especially if you reviewed)**

**I am trying to make my chapters a little longer, thanks to user 'Pelleas'. This fic when I started it was supposed to be short by now the writer inside me is seeing all these tangents the story could go on and how good it could be.**

**Also, I'm looking for someone to beta this fic so if you're game, PM me. Especially if you can fix all the bits where I spell things the British way (sorry to those Americans who have seen my profile and know that I plan on writing about American TV shows with American spelling and British TV shows with British spelling. I just think that's the proper thing to do.)**

**Enjoy my darlings!**

CHAPTER FIVE

"Watch out!" Jo yelled, bursting into Dean's room and jumping on his bed.

"Out." Dean grumbled in the hangover he had carried for days now.

Jo chuckled and kissed his cheek. "Nice to see you too, Deano. Sammy tells me you've been neglecting him. And you haven't come to work."

Dean sighed. "Sam can take care of himself."

"I have no doubt that he can. But it doesn't change the fact that you're moping away in here, cut off from the rest of the world."

Dean sat up, pulling on a shirt. Jo dramatically fell back.

"Oh dear lord, you reek!"

Dean glared at her. "Then get out."

Jo sat up, serious as ever. "What happened with Cas?"

Dean grumbled "It was nothing." Jo sat staring at him until he caved. "Cas is with someone else."

Jo gave a sympathetic look. "What a jerk. Don't bother with him."

Dean glared at the ground.

"I think I love him. At least, that's what I told him before he ran out to have sex with his boyfriend."

Joe froze. "You love him? You? You actually love someone?" She was clearly trying not to laugh.

Dean shot her an icy stare. "It's not funny."

Jo paused. "Sorry. It's just… You slept with most of the high school cheerleading team… Never took down anyone's number, never called back and never went on more than two dates with the same person."

"I know," Dean grumbled. "I'm an idiot."

Jo wriggled up against the headboard next to him. "Of course you are." She said and took his bottle of Scotch.

…..

Dean nervously walked into the café, hoping Sam would show up soon. He had waited as long as he could before coming here, trying to minimize the time he would have to inevitably look for Cas.

And there he was. Sitting in the corner and reading his book. Moby-Dick. The same goddamn book. Why couldn't he just read something else? Surely his boyfriend could give him books. Dean scoffed audibly, betting that the bastard didn't even know how to read.

Cas spun around and saw Dean. A smile crept across his face and he hopped over.

"Hey, Dean. You haven't been in here for a bit. Were you sick?"

Dean looked away from him and ordered his coffee. Cas cleared his throat.

"Could we talk outside? I have something to tell you."

Dean took his coffee and nodded slightly before Cass led him out the door and onto the quiet street. Cas said nothing.

"Is this going to take long?"

"I love you."

Dean's heart squeezed but he forced himself to remember what happened a few weeks ago. "Mmhhm?"

Cas shifted from leg to another. "I thought about the other week…and… I love you too…"

Dean was quiet and sipped his coffee calmly.

Cas huffed, "Well aren't you going to say anything?"

"I saw you with that guy. Your boyfriend or whatever. I followed you to give you the books."

Cas literally turned green. His bright eyes immediately went dark like a switch was flicked.

"Dean, it's not what you think."

"Really? Because to me it seemed like I told you I loved you and you went off to screw someone else." He felt the way he put it made him seem pathetic so he added, "Lucky you didn't get the chance to do me then, huh?"

Tears were starting to well up in Cas' eyes.

"Dean, you really don't understand" He sobbed, reaching out to grab Dean's shirt. Dean stepped back.

"Explain it to me then." Dean said. Cas opened and closed his mouth and not a single noise came out. Dean felt his face growing red in anger "Explain!"

Cas just shook his head. "I can't."

Dean tossed his head. "I'll go wait for Sam somewhere else then. Enjoy your café."

Cas choked out a weak voice, "Dean, please. Please don't go."

He grabbed Dean's hand. "I love you."

Dean scoffed and shook his hand free.

"Don't you dare say that to me." And he walked away down to Sam's bus stop leaving behind a pleading Castiel.

…..

Dean had actually forgotten what he did before he met Castiel. Who did he talk to? He spent the next two days in his room, not answering calls and not eating. Sam let him be and didn't say a word when he came home drunk as anything and threw up all over the place. Sam just quietly cleaned up after him and guided him to his room.

Luckily, Dean was starting to forget Castiel. With the amount of alcohol he was chugging every night, he couldn't remember a thing.

Dean stormed into the Ellen's. The place was empty but Jo was at the counter.

"We broke up." He grabbed a beer before sitting down at the bar in front of her.

Jo stared for a bit. "I thought you broke up a while ago."

Dean shook his head lazily. "This time it's official. I confronted him about the other guy."

"Oh." Was all Jo said.

"He couldn't even explain." Dean said staring into his bottle with one eye like it was a telescope. "Not a thing."

Jo was quiet still and then said, "He came in here looking for you. Said he didn't want to make a scene in front of Sammy so he thought you could talk here. I told him you were sick."

Dean downed the rest of his beer.

"You know what? You've given me an idea."

Jo just stood there as Dean quickly left. He got in his car and drove to where Cas' boyfriend lived.

He got out and paused for a minute. There was a wooden bench against the front of the house and he sat, trying to figure out a plan. He had to get Cas back. He felt his hands clench. He wanted to get Cas back more than anything. Not that he thought Cas deserved him, but Dean deserved to have Cas.

Dean could hear Cas' boyfriend (he was really getting tired of that word) talking. A second voice, weak and quiet, spoke in a quick burst of fright. Cas.

Cas' boyfriend shouted over him, "I KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID!"

"Please! I'm sorry! You are the only one I care about."

A loud whack followed and after it was quiet.

"I'm going out the back. Clean up that mess." And footsteps grew further away.

The front door opened and Dean froze. Was that guy coming out here? Did he know Dean was there?

Cas sat on the porch steps, sniffling. He was holding an ice pack to his jaw.

Dean peered through the darkness; he was only hidden from Cas by a few little bushes. He looked down at his hands before standing up and walking over.

"Cas?"

Cas looked up in shock. The shock only increased the longer they stayed there.

"Dean, why are you here? What's wrong?" Cas was slow to process. His eyes were bloodshot and he was clearly high. Bit by bit the shock was starting to wear away to unveil something much worse.

Dean stared at him.

"What do you mean what's wrong? What the hell is going on here? He hit you? Does he do that a lot?"

Finally, the last piece of shock wore away and Cas face crumpled in realization of what happened. He dropped his head and sobbed violently.

Dean stood there for a minute. He couldn't just take Cas in his arms and tell him everything was alright.

He sat down beside Cas and wrapped his arms around him. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, you're safe."

Cas clung on to Dean's shirt. "Please don't go."

Dean kissed Cas' forehead. "No, Cas, I won't go."

Everything made sense to him now. The bruises, the marks on his neck, the secrecy.

Cas cried more and Dean just held him. He didn't know what else to do. He couldn't listen because everything Cas said was completely incoherent. He couldn't talk to him because he didn't know what to say. So instead Dean handed himself over willingly to someone who'd broken his heart.

Eventually he could hear Cas saying, "I'm so sorry Dean. I couldn't leave him. He would've killed me."

Dean stroked Cas' hair comfortingly.

"It's okay. But you should have just told me. I could have saved you."

Cas shook his head.

"I didn't want you to know about this… That I'm in this sort of relationship… I'm just so sorry!"

Dean kissed his head and held him again.

"Shh, Cas. It's alright. I won't let him touch you again."

Cas sniffed. "But how?"

Dean was quiet before saying, "You'll stay with me and Sam."

Cas pressed his face into Dean's neck and whispered, "Thank you, Dean."

…..

Sam insisted that he'd take the couch and Cas could sleep in his room. Of course, Castiel contested profusely and tried to get Dean on his side. Dean said he was staying out of it and went to make them all dinner.

As they ate reheated lasagna, Sam stared at him questioningly. Dean kicked his foot beneath the table and gazed at his food. He knew Sam could tell he was somewhat human again in Cas' presence. Dean also knew that this could be a very bad idea for him, but as far as he could see, Cas was in trouble, which meant he had to help him.

Dinner went smoothly and light conversation was made- mostly between Sam and Cas, although they did try to get Dean to join in. Dean could see the fatigue in Cas' eyes as he took the plates over and started washing up.

He put his hand on Cas shoulder- he couldn't help but notice how he flinched then- and said, "Let me do that- go to bed."

Cas turned his head and studied Dean's face carefully. Dean was slowly melting in front of him and wanted to escape so he didn't humiliate himself any further. Clearing the fog in his head, he noticed that Cas was leaning in to kiss him, so he stepped back quickly.

"Go on, you look exhausted."

For a moment, Cas looked hurt. He then saw Sam over Dean's shoulder and turned downright beet red, turned and quietly went to Sam's room, closing the door behind him.

Dean tried snub Sam and quickly wash the dishes but the bitch-faced kid just grabbed a towel and started drying. "So he's back."

Dean nodded slightly, almost scrubbing the color out of one dish in his attempts to distract himself from the conversation that would inevitably come.

"What happened to make him come back?"

Dean decided that the truth was the best option here- or at least as much of it he could give.

"He was in trouble. So he's going to stay here for a little while."

Sam frowned at the plate he was holding.

"He hurt you though. I know you don't want to tell me what happened, but I know he hurt you really bad."

"Stop it, Sam." Dean cautioned.

Sam continued, "But he hurt you! And now you're just letting him back in?"

"Shut up!" Dean growled, tossing the plate into the sink, no doubt causing it to chip.

Sam lifted his head and gave his infamous puppy eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just hated seeing you like that. I don't want it to happen again," he whimpered.

Dean reached forward and ruffled his hair.

"I'll explain everything later, okay? Just not tonight, it's been a real big day, kid."

Sam half smiled and went to set up the couch to sleep on.

Dean sighed, "Come on, you can sleep in my room." Sam shot his fist in the air and cheered. "Stay the hell off my side though. And only for tonight. It's your own fault you gave up your bed."

…..

The next day Sam and Dean had to go to school and Cas insisted on cleaning the whole place before they got back. Everything was dusted polished and vacuumed, their clothes were ironed and when they walked through the door that night, dinner was served.

Dean felt guilty for letting Cas do this, but it felt nice to be in a clean environment for once. Dean paid him back by getting him a job at Ellen's and training him. He kind of sucked and broke everything but Ellen thought he was adorable.

Jo, however, eyed Cas warily when he was working and interrupted whenever he and Dean were talking. Apparently, she had taken on the same mindset as Sam. Cas asked Dean why she hated him but within seconds remembered and hung his head in shame.

Their relationship remained awkward and polite. Nothing like it used to be. Cas tried to bring it up every once in a while but Dean would crack a joke and laugh it off like he did with anything else that hurt him. He needed time, he thought, just time. And maybe, just maybe, things could go back. But he doubted they would ever be the same.

One night, Dean, Cas, and Sam sat together watching The Simpsons until Sam fell asleep. Cas got up and lifted him into his arms.

"Poor kid, hard day of algebra, I suspect." Dean chuckled and watched Cas carry him into his bedroom place him on his bed. After switching out the light and closing the door behind him, Cas sat down next to him again and lowered the volume on the crappy TV.

Dean reached over and caught Cas' hand in his. He felt Cas jump a little, and worried as he turned his head. But instead of finding a Cas that flinched at his touch, he found one that squirmed inn his seat in delight. Dean shook his head and chuckled, turning back to the show.

Both of them knew what the hand-holding meant. It meant that Dean was ready to -very, very slowly- try to fix things. He understood that it would take time and probably hurt both of them a bit, but somewhere in him he had a good feeling about it. Cas was broken, that was obvious. Who wouldn't be after that? And anyway, Dean was broken too. But even if Cas couldn't quite fix Dean, he knew he would try with all his might to fix Cas.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you to my lovely new beta Sarah who has beta'd (done beta things to, in case you didn't get that dictionary) this chapter and the ones before it :3**

Dean was on the couch in his sweat pants. He knew he should be helping Cas do the housework, but he'd had hard week and Cas always refused help anyway.

Cas was vacuuming the tiny lounge area and Dean tapped his arm.

"Turn it off for a sec, Cas. We need to talk."

Cas' brow creased and he sat down on the sofa.

"What about?"

Dean looked at him, deadly serious. "About what happened to you. I need you to tell me what happened."

Cas' lip quivered and he stared at a spot behind Dean. "I can't."

Dean bit his lip and took Cas' hand comfortingly. "You can trust me. Just tell me like it happened to someone else. Please try, Cas."

Castiel got up and switched the vacuum on wordlessly.

"I can't," he repeated and steered the vacuum across the room.

Dean sighed and buried his face in his hands.

Over the next few nights, Cas had nightmares. It wasn't that Cas made a big deal about it, Dean just woke up to the terrified squeaks Cas accidentally made and then the sound of Cas throwing up in the bathroom.

Both Dean and Sam took a shot at speaking to him about it. Neither of them was game enough to approach him straight after the dream, but the next morning they would subtly ask about how his sleep was and gently prod until he got up and walked away silently.

On one particular night after Dean woke up to screaming and the sound of Cas retching, Cas came into his room and sat on the bed. Dean was struck by a wave of mint toothpaste as he rolled over to acknowledge him.

Cas sat back against the headboard and was quiet for a little bit before saying softly, "I'm ready to talk about it."

Dean nodded in the dark, indicating that he was ready to hear it but not wanting to say anything in case it scared him away.

"As I told you a few months back in the park, I had kind of a rocky childhood. You know the drill, parents were barely there, dad was an abusive alcoholic, I got depressed and resorted to drugs and alcohol. I met Jason when I was a senior in high school. We dated secretly; he had connections to get me drugs." Cas chuckled. "I thought I was really happy. And then when school ended, we ended too. About six months after graduating, I was still living at home and on drugs and I was still alone. Until I ran into Jason again at a party. We got back together and I moved in with him, the same place he is now." His voice was beginning to waver.

Dean was silent and waited for Cas to go on. After a few minutes he continued, "I didn't even notice him slowly taking control at first, but then it got pretty bad. He wouldn't let me talk to my friends, he listened in on my phone calls, opened all my mail… He was starting to scare me a bit, especially when he got angry, but I ignored it because I was happy with him.

"So Jason continued drinking more and more, his dosages getting higher. Then one day he came home from work, he had been fired and he started throwing everything around the house. He got to the beautiful glass mirror my mom left me and threw it to the ground, shattering it. It was really my fault. I jumped at him, trying to stop him from breaking everything else and he hit me for the first time. After that, every time I forgot to do the dishes, came home late, didn't buy beer, or didn't cook dinner before he got home, he hit me. I knew I had to get out but I had nowhere to go and I needed him."

Dean didn't quite know what to say. How to understand what Cas went through. Cas was crying now. This time it was different, quiet. Dean sat up.

"You're out now. You're free."

Cas shrugged. "I guess. He'll find me though. He always used to say that if I left, he would find me."

Dean shook his head. "Not while I'm here."

Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder.

"When I met you, you made me happy. Jason goes to his friends' houses so I could go wherever I want." Cas sat up and turned to him, staring with complete seriousness. "And I fell in love with you."

Dean could feel his head pounding, his chest aching and body trembling all at once. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable.

"So now you can do whatever you want when you want."

Cas frowned at the way Dean changed the subject but went along with it.

"I guess so."

Dean fidgeted with the sheets. He could hear his instincts telling him not to trust this. That he should just play it off like a joke so he wouldn't get hurt. He didn't know why he was so jealous of Jason now. He didn't know why it was only now that he could feel resentment -he wasn't sure whether it was towards Jason or Cas- building up in the back of his head.

….

The next morning Cas was back to his normal secretive self and Dean didn't mention what they had discussed the night before. Dean rolled out of bed, grateful it was finally Saturday, and made them scrambled eggs.

Over breakfast, Sam attempted to poke a hole in the layer of awkwardness surrounding them by saying, "So, we should go out today. Maybe a picnic? We can go up to the lake, it's only a fifteen minute drive."

Dean made a face.

"I can't believe you're my little brother."

"I think a picnic would be fun." Cas said quietly, staring down intensely at his scrambled eggs.

Sam bounced to his feet and collected the plates regardless of whether anyone was done. "Good. Cas, you can help me with the food."

Dean stared at him blankly. "And what do you want me to do?"

Sam shrugged, already hauling fruit and cold meat out of the fridge. "Whatever you want to do. You can't prepare food to save your life. Sure, you can cook eggs but if we let you near a knife…"

Dean leaned over to ruffle his brother's hair, then left them to prepare food while he got dressed. It turned out that they owned nothing that resembled a picnic basket, so Sam made Dean drive him up to the nearest supermarket.

In the car, Sam and Dean argued about which direction they were supposed to go while Cas watched from the back seat in fascination. After pulling over and yelling about which way the map pointed, Sam grudgingly settled on a direction Dean supported. Which ended up being pointless because after quite a while, it was obvious they were nowhere near where they were supposed to be, so they were finally forced to pull over and ask for directions. Sam was ecstatic when they were told that the direction he had suggested was the right one and they turned around.

It was well past lunch when they finally arrived at the lake. Sam was still giddy from being proven right, and skipped his way to the trunk to get the basket. (Which he had picked out just because it looked like it was the most girly and thought it would annoy Dean.)

Cas helped him set up and they all sat down and picked at grapes on the red and white checkered blanket Sam had deemed the cheesiest in the store.

Sam made conversation and congratulated Dean on his paper that was awarded an A. Cas only spoke when spoken to. Dean stabbed at the sandwich on his plate with a fork. Cas was the only reason they were doing this and now he was just making everything awkward.

"Pass the potato salad, will you?" Dean grumbled to Sam although it was directly in front of Cas. Cas must have noticed the sour look on his face because he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Sam reached over and took the salad, smiling at both of them, obviously trying desperately to stop things from falling apart. Cas took it out of his hands and dished some of it out onto his plate.

"Hey!" Dean glared at him, lunging for the salad, but only succeeded in planting his foot on his sandwich.

Cas shrugged defiantly. "It was closest to me. Maybe I was about to grab it just before you asked _Sam _for it."

Dean clenched his hands in the stupid blanket and glared at him. "Give it."

Cas shrugged and lifted the spoon, flicking the excess through the air and onto Dean's face. Sam gasped and scrambled for the napkins and handing one to Dean.

Dean ignored it and stared at Cas who stared back. Ever so slowly, the corners of Cas' lips lifted into a grin and he started laughing. Dean bit back his own laughter without success and picked up his trodden-on sandwich, squishing it right into Cas' hair.

Sam sat in horror, looking from Dean to Cas, Cas to Dean. Cas was giggling uncontrollably and picked up a sports-cap bottle of water, squirting it in Dean's general direction. Dean also armed himself with a bottle and squirted back.

Other lake-goers were staring, and the food fight got increasingly worse when Dean took a handful of boiled eggs and rubbed them into Cas' shirt. Sam let out a small whimper of terror as Cas reciprocated the same way, both of them now standing. Cas took the picnic basket of unpacked food and ran, every so often turning to throw miscellaneous picnic food at Dean. Dean managed to dodge enough eggs and slices of ham to catch up with him. They had reached the lake, Cas barely three feet from the edge. Dean narrowed his eyes at Cas deviously and charged, hooking Cas by the waist and launching both of them into the deep water.

Cas wrestled himself out of Dean's arms and rose to the surface with Dean close behind. Cas grinned widely and splashed water at him.

Dean splashed back and then watched Cas bobbing in the water breathlessly. Cas swam forward until his face was inches from Dean's. Dean started to shake his head. Cas leaned forward and almost kissed him before diving back under water, lost in the dark blue. Dean searched for him but could see anything in the water.

Sam appeared at the edge.

"What the hell is wrong with you two?"

Dean was brought back to the present and waded out of the water, walking past Sam and towards their picnic.

"Where's Cas?" Sam asked.

Dean only shrugged, not turning to acknowledge him or check if he could see Cas in the water. He walked back to the picnic and sat, still sopping wet, and waited for them to show up so he could go home.


	7. Chapter 7

The picnic didn't go quite as planned, but Sam was pleased with the event nonetheless. He was grinning giddily, like he had been the one to start a food fight. Once Sam had coaxed Cas out of the lake and lectured both Cas and Dean about wasting all the food he prepared, they decided it was time to go home. The sky was growing darker and the wind was picking up.

Cas sat wordlessly in the backseat again, no evidence that just an hour ago he had been grinning and running with Dean. Dean sneaked a peak at Cas in the rear view mirror; he looked cold and sad. There was something else there too that Dean couldn't quite decipher. Cas' head dropped against the window and he fell asleep.

"He was happy today. So were you." Sam said quietly.

Dean just nodded slightly.

"Can't you two always have fun like that?"

Dean didn't say anything, but whether it was because he didn't have anything to say or because he didn't want to say the wrong thing, he didn't know.

"You could try, you know." Sam's voice was unsure because he knew he was stepping into dangerous territory.

Dean sighed, "So could he, Sam."

"Dean, he's broken. You are too."

"No, I'm not. I'm fine."

Sam turned in his seat to corner Dean against the driver's side door. "You are. But not as broken as him, Dean. Why are you being like this? Do you remember last week, you know, when you found him being almost beaten to death by his boyfriend? How do you expect him to cope, Dean? He needs you to be stronger than this. You've always done it for me…"

Dean glared at the road ahead of him, knowing that Sam was right. But that didn't mean he was going to admit it.

"Come on, Sam, just leave it, okay? We'll both be fine."

"Promise me you'll protect him."

"I just said we'll-"

"No, promise anyway. If you aren't going to be with him -and yes, Dean, I know you guys were _together_, which I'm perfectly fine with, by the way- then at least do for him what you do for me. Just make him feel safe."

Dean rolled his eyes and turned the music up louder, forgetting that Cas was sleeping. He hastily put it back down and was relieved that Cas had no other reaction but an increase in his soft snore.

"Dean?" Sam said quietly.

They were finally home and Dean pulled up to the curb.

"I always will protect him, Sam, you don't need to make me promise." His eyes met his brother's and he could see that Sam was more than pleased with the response. He got out of the car.

"Wake him up, will you?" he muttered, and headed inside.

Later that night, Dean was sitting on the couch doing an assignment that he had been set weeks ago but hadn't started yet and Sam was in his room doing homework. The hinges on his crappy old laptop made an angry grinding noise as he shifted it on his legs.

Cas came in with two cups of coffee and put one on the table in front of Dean.

"Hey."

Dean tried to pay him no notice and poked repeatedly at the enter key which had apparently broken without him realizing.

"So I have a confession to make," Cas began quietly. Dean had somehow managed to rip the enter key off in his attempts to repair it and was engrossed in jamming it back onto the keyboard. "Dean, can you listen for a sec?"

Dean made a humming noise as he had a few more goes at sticking the key back on before realizing it was hopeless and pushing the laptop off his lap. "Yeah?"

"In the car… I wasn't really sleeping most of the time, I was kind of pretending so you and Sam would talk. I know I was eavesdropping and I'm sorry, but I just needed to know what's going on here. Between us."

Dean regretted putting his laptop aside and needed something to distract him.

"Oh." Was all he said to Cas before reaching for the coffee mug in front of him and blowing on the hot liquid.

"This is really confusing, Dean. I don't know what you want me to do."

Dean shot him a look.

"Don't give me that crap, Cas, you were just as standoffish as me."

Cas nodded slowly. "I know." His voice broke and tears fell down his cheek.

Dean's face softened and he put his arm around Cas' tiny frame.

"Come on, Cas."

Cas sniffed and wiped his face but said nothing.

_What the fuck are you doing? He's crying and you're the one who did that._ Dean sighed; he couldn't do this. He couldn't be what Cas needed. Cas needed either someone who would make him better, or someone who would fall apart with him. Dean could do neither. He had trained himself to be like this for years, just take the emotions and bottle them up. Never accept your problems. But Cas was so broken and so empty that he needed to let it out.

Dean jumped when Cas finally moved. He lifted his head and leaned in to kiss Dean. The kiss was wet from Cas' tears and full of sadness. Of _brokenness._

Cas deepened the kiss and pushed lightly on Dean's shoulders, telling him to lie down. Dean was so lost in the kiss, all he could do was pull Cas closer as he complied and _taste_ him. He had missed the way Cas was so gentle when he kissed him and his hands seemed to glide everywhere. Cas unbuttoned Dean's shirt and placed hot kisses on his collarbone and down his chest. Dean froze when Cas' hand started unzipping his jeans.

"Cas." Dean brushed his hand away "Do you really think this is the right time for that? We've barely talked in the past two weeks and now you want to fuck me?"

Cas continued kissing Dean, although he left his zipper alone for now and instead ground up against him, making Dean gasp.

"C-Cas," Dean breathed in shock between Cas' urgent kisses. "Castiel, stop."

"Mmm, don't you want me?" Cas growled, pushing his hands up and down Dean's chest.

Dean sat up and pushed Cas back onto the couch.

"Cas, stop. You don't want it to be like this."

Cas faltered for only a moment before grinning widely and mischievously.

"I'm not some girl, Dean." He leaned over and grazed Dean's earlobe with his teeth, whispering, "I want you."

"Get off me, Cas!" Dean shouted and shoved him away.

Cas stared down at his lap in defeat. After a few minutes he said quietly, "Can you go? I want to go to sleep."

Dean took Cas' fragile and bony chin in his hand and forced him to make eye contact, but immediately regretted it when he saw the crushed look on Cas' face. His eyes looked so empty.

"Cas, I'm sorry. I just don't want to do this with you right now."

"But it's all I'm good for. That's what Jason used to say. This is all I can give you, and you don't want it. I just wanted to make you happy, Dean."

Dean's jaw dropped. "I… Um."

Cas stared into the distance, crying silently.

"Why can't I just do this for you? Why can't I give you this?" He choked "Aren't I good enough?" He turned and curled against the arm of the sofa.

Dean sat there for a few minutes, trying to understand and figure out what to do. How did Cas get this so wrong? He looked at Cas and saw who he really was. He was not funny or bubbly, he was this broken man curled up on the couch. He felt unwanted. Dean hated Jason more than ever for this.

He put his hand on Cas' shoulder and said finally, "I do want you, Cas. I've never wanted anyone more and-"

Cas gave a slight snort, cutting Dean off. Upon closer inspection, Dean realized that Cas had now fallen asleep. And he definitely wasn't faking this time.

Sam came out of his room, yawning.

"Hey, what's up?"

Dean pulled a blanket over Cas and followed Sam into the kitchen.

"Nothing. I was just saying goodnight. Seems the food fight today really wore him out."

Sam stared at him for a long moment before hugging him tightly.

"Everything's going to be okay, Dean."

Dean held Sam close and rested his chin on the Sasquatch's head.

"Thanks, kid."

Sam sighed and went to the fridge, pulling out a carton of milk.

"Hot chocolate? We can have it like we always used to with the mini marshmallows? "

Dean grinned and sat at the counter.

"Sure."

Dean tried to be strong for his little brother, but he knew Sam could tell something was wrong. And he sure as hell knew Sam was going to take it upon himself to get involved.


	8. Chapter 8

For the next few days it was more than a little awkward around the apartment, mainly because if Dean so much as brushed against Cas, some sort of trigger would flip and he would start yelling all sorts of obscenities. When such a thing occurred, Sam was there to save the day by suggesting they play a board game. Not that they'd actually end up playing the game, because as soon as Sam mentioned it he would be out the door in seconds, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

Before Cas, coping was almost easy. Dean just had to go to work, get paid, use that money for rent, and do his college work. Now it was the same, but with a huge shadow looming over everything he did. His schoolwork was satisfactory, but not as good as it had been when Cas helped him study. His engineering professor informed him of the drop in his grades. Dean was crushed by this and started studying harder than ever before, locking himself up in his room for hours at a time.

Castiel requested different shifts at Ellen's so he didn't work at the same time as Dean anymore and ghosted around the apartment. Every night without fail Cas would scream and run to the bathroom to throw up. Every time Dean woke up to the tortured screeches of his best friend he wanted to run to him and tell him it was going to be okay, to hold him and protect him. He didn't even know how to protect Cas anymore because he seemed to be the only thing that was hurting him.

Several nights later Dean indulged himself in pushing aside his studying for the night and drinking himself into a hollow shell. Ironically, this was the night Cas had finally gathered the courage to talk to him. Cas padded into Dean's room and coughed awkwardly to get Dean's attention. Dean groaned from the mess of blankets, pillows, and stained sheets that used to be his bed.

"Dean, I want to talk to you. I want to apologize."

Dean scrunched his face under the sheets and wished for Cas to just vanish. He didn't want to hear anything from this man who thought it was okay to continue to throw himself at him when he had already said no and then get all snobby about it. Dean nodded to himself; yeah, Cas could suffer for all he cared.

"Dean, please?"

Dean threw his hand up in the air to wave Cas toward the door. "Leave. And never come back."

Cas came to sit on the bed. "I know I was going too fast for you. I'm sorry."

Dean scoffed and sat up. "Too fast for me? Is that what you think? I'm not saving it for marriage, Cas." He defended.

Cas nodded. "I'm still sorry…?" his voice shook.

Resentment burned in Dean's belly. He knew Cas was just saying this to get out of being the bad guy. He knew that Cas thought Dean was to blame. How was any of this his fault? All he had done was take his boyfriend in when he was in a bad place.

"You know what? I don't think you are. I think you want to be with that fucking Jason. Right? Basically everything you have wanted from me can be better provided by him. You are so selfish, Cas."

Dean watched as tears pooled in Cas' beautiful big blue eyes. He had the feeling that Cas had heard that before. Cas stared down at his lap for a moment, completely still, before pouncing forward quickly to kiss Dean.

Dean was startled by the effort Cas was making. He opened his eyes during these rushed and heated kisses to see that Cas was crying, his body shaking all over.

"I'm so sorry, please forgive me." Cas whispered as he kissed down Dean's neck.

"Please let me make it up to you? I don't like seeing you unhappy. Love me." On the last sentence, Cas' voice broke and he was sobbing, but he still continued to plant kisses up to Dean's mouth again, forcing Dean's mouth open to use his tongue.

Dean was more than a little frightened of the mess of a man- no, _boy_- that was shivering against him, doing anything he could to please Dean. He took Cas in his arms.

"Shh. Shh, Cas. Calm down, it's okay."

Cas struggled to kiss him some more before giving in and burying his face in Dean's bare chest.

"Please don't hurt me."

Dean felt a pang of hurt and guilt and anger all at the same time.

"No, Cas, that won't happen, you're safe. I won't hurt you. It's okay." He repeated such consolations over and over as Cas continued to shiver. Dean pulled the covers over both of them and held Cas to his chest protectively.

Dean didn't think he had seen anything as terrifying as the man he loved in this state. He was like a decrepit building nobody wanted that had been condemned to demolishment and he had just pushed the trigger button on himself, pieces flying everywhere.

They fell asleep that way, Dean stroking Cas' hair to calm him down as he continued to shake in fear throughout the night.

Dean woke up to Sam shaking him in a fright.

"Dean, Cas is gone. He took his clothes and stuff and left!"

Sure enough, the bed was empty beside him. Dean shot out of bed and into some jeans and ran out into the living room- Cas wasn't on the couch. He checked the tiny apartment in record breaking time and then told Sam to put his coat on.

They drove the Impala around the streets, visiting Ellen's and the park but couldn't find Cas anywhere. After an hour or two of driving around, they went back home to call people who might know where Cas had gone. Dean was positive that Cas had just gone out to get some milk for breakfast and would be back in no time.

Upon closer inspection of the apartment, Dean found a note on his bedside table.

"I'm sorry."

Dean shook his head and went to the living room to the chest of drawers where Cas had been keeping his clothes. He had left most things there, and Dean searched through them roughly. He felt something hard in the pocket of a pair of jeans and he carefully pulled it out; a needle.

He searched the rest of the drawers and found dozens of them in Cas' clothes. Every single one of them was empty. He shook his head as he looked at them all, he'd had no idea that all this time Cas was dosing himself with what appeared to be heroine. He felt a stab of betrayal that Cas would do this, and then guilt for not stopping it.

So Cas had gone back to Jason for drugs. Dean couldn't pretend that he wasn't falling apart, that he wasn't aching inside as he carefully put everything away- not knowing what to do with the syringes. Sam watched as Dean sat down on the couch and stared lifelessly off into space. Sam even had to double check he was breathing.

"We should go get him," Sam said quietly.

Dean shook his head- just barely. Sam sat next to him.

"Come on, we have to. We let him get hurt."

Dean faced his brother for the first time this morning and Sam saw nothing but an empty man who'd had everything taken away from him. The lights in his eyes had gone out. He was completely vacant. Tears fell from his eyes- his entire being pouring out with them.

Sam pulled his brother into a hug and consoled him for what might have been hours.

Against Sam's orders, Dean laid in bed all day for a full week. He would not accept food and Sam could see him growing thinner and ghostly- looking more and more like Cas. Hunger didn't bother Dean though, because he was busy staring at the ceiling and trying not to think. He regretted pushing this burden onto his brother, but he was past caring. The big strong wall he'd erected to guard his emotions stayed put while Sam was around. Sam would come in several times a day to go through his routine: offer food and drink, protest when Dean refused, ask him how he was, and then leave when Dean said nothing but a rough "I'm fine."

Once Sam was out of the room, however, the big strong wall became more of a dam made out of sticks which he was holding together with his own two hands. It would burst and he'd double over, wishing he could howl to himself to get some of the pain out.

Eventually, Sam coaxed him out of his room. It was hard to tell whether Dean was actually paying attention to anything he said, but he did manage to force-feed him some toast.

Breakfast led to lunch and soon Dean was spending almost six hours outside of his room each day. When Sam got home from school, Dean would be waiting on the couch and they would watch TV. Sam thought he just needed some human contact, and he was more than happy to provide it.

Dean eventually went back to his classes, but didn't talk to anyone there. He didn't go to the café, instead choosing to wait for Sam down the street. He had almost managed to convince himself everything that had happened was just a dream.

Jo invited him out for drinks on campus, and he grudgingly agreed after fifteen minutes of pleading just to get her to shut up. There were tons of hot girls at the party, Jo pointed out once they got there, but Dean wasn't particularly interested, even when one girl pulled him into a dark corner and rubbed her body against him and teased him seductively.

He found Jo and sat with her and her friends while they talked about some nonsense- music, television, sports, he wasn't really paying attention. He noticed how good Jo was with people, wrapping them around her little finger and getting them to conform to her beliefs. She could have convinced an elephant it was a duck.

Dean pulled her aside and said, "I'm going to head out, okay? Can you give me the keys?"

She pulled the keys out of her low-cut jeans and held them out.

"Are you sober enough to drive?"

Dean shrugged and took them, rushing out of the house and to his car. The sound of the engine soothed him and, although it was freezing, he turned on the air conditioning just let to himself shiver.

He drove the long way home, past the park. He glanced over at it and then pulled over. He sat on the swings like he did that first time with Cas and kicked his legs. The moonlight pooled in the small park and he caught a flash of a small lump behind the dumpster of a nearby apartment block. He flung himself off the swing and stumbled drunkenly over to it, dropping to his knees to get a closer look.

The lump wore a band shirt and jeans.

Dean continued to shake the lifeless body as he drove. He didn't have his cell on him and went directly home. Cas' body was easy to carry up the stairs, but the main obstacle was fighting the panic and tears that bombarded Dean.

"Cas, please, wake up!"

Sam was asleep and Dean took Cas straight to the shower, spraying hot water on both of them to keep Cas' freezing body warm. He screamed out to Sam and his little brother came in, saw Dean holding Cas under the warm spray of the shower, and immediately left to call an ambulance.

Dean held Cas to his chest for fifteen minutes before the paramedics arrived and pried Cas from Dean's arms. Dean and Sam followed the blur of EMTs and uniforms down into the ambulance, neither of them fully knowing what was going on.

They arrived at the hospital, and the boys were sent to the waiting room. Cas was carted off into an unmarked room which was soon flooded with doctors and shouts.

The waiting was worse than anything. Dean couldn't move and Sam just sat there, sometimes opening his mouth to reassure his big brother but then thinking better of it and shutting it again.

After three torturous hours, a doctor came out to them asking if they were with the patient. He got Sam to fill out a form of admission and Dean to sign it before sitting down across from them.

"Your friend has been in quite an accident. He has a contusion on the frontal lobe, a broken jaw, three broken ribs, and a concussion. He's slipped into a coma."

Dean gripped the chair, wanting to rip at the foam poking out of the seams- or better yet, rip at the doctor who was saying this.

The doctor looked like he was expecting the same thing and softened his features in sympathy. He was young, late twenties probably, and looked like he didn't want to be here. Dean imagined that his parents had chosen this for him. Who would want to put themselves in the position to give this news?

"There's no saying when he'll wake up. Or if he ever will. I'm very sorry"

Sam started crying next to him but then recovered enough to choke out, "Can we see him?"

The doctor nodded. "When you're ready, just head in."

Sam tugged Dean up and pulled him into Cas' room. Dean closed his eyes as he entered the room and felt his way over to the bed. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He let out an unearthly, feral sound when he saw the tiny battered body before him showing no signs of life. If it weren't for the annoying beeping of the machines around him, he wouldn't think the man was alive at all.

Dean stood for a few more minutes before turning and heading out. Sam caught his arm and looked at him questioningly through watery eyes.

"I'm going to find him. I'm going to kill him." Dean growled in a voice that even he didn't recognize as his own.

Sam shook his head. "Dean, he deserves it, I know, but you need to stay here with Cas. Just for Cas…"

Dean stood paralysed for a few minutes and eventually felt all motivation drip out of him onto the linoleum bathed with antiseptic. He went back to the bed and pressed his face down next to Cas' shoulder and took his hand. Every so often, he would shake it gently, trying to get Cas to wake up.

But it was useless. Cas was off in another world now. Dean wondered what was going on in his head but it was Cas' secret. He was in a much better place, oblivious to the pain for now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my feels**

**A/N: HELLO MY DARLINGS I HAVE MISSED YOU. So since my last update my life has pretty much exploded since GISHWHES started (IT WAS AMAZING) and I had exams at the same time… I'm still having exams actually. But while I was AWOL I also wrote the beginnings of a kitty!Cas fic called Not Quite Cas so if you want to check that out, I'll put a link at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!**

When Dean woke up, both his cheek and the hospital bed he had been using as a pillow were covered in drool. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, stretched, and sat back. Then he saw Cas.

His frail body remained unconscious, although it had been about nine hours. Dean almost couldn't bear to look, and instead leaned down to kiss Cas' pale hand.

"I'm so sorry, Cas. I should have found you earlier. I should have gone straight to Jason's, I'm so sorry." His head throbbed with confusion. Part of him couldn't believe that this was happening, that this is what had become of their lives. He regretted how he had treated Cas in the past few days more than he had ever regretted anything before. "It's not fair."

Sam scared him when he sat down beside Dean quietly.

"Good morning,"

Dean didn't answer, refusing to believe that anything could possibly be good right now.

"Hey, I called Jo. She and Ellen are gonna come tomorrow to see Cas. She said she was sorry she couldn't make it today."

"Oh?" Dean grunted. Truth was, he couldn't wait to see Jo, but it didn't mean his body wanted to show it.

Sam sighed, "This isn't your fault, okay? I know you're gonna blame yourself."

Dean met his little brother's perfectly innocent yet so _mature_ eyes. "This is nothing but my fault. I swore I would protect him. Now look at him." Dean frowned as he stroked the bandage wrapped around Cas' head to keep his jaw in place while it healed- although Dean was still grateful that the fracture was minor and didn't require surgery.

"You love him, don't you?"

Dean didn't say anything, but continued to stare at Cas. He didn't know how his brother felt about him being gay, let alone in love. They hadn't talked about it –and Dean was happy to keep it that way- but Sam seemed to have just accepted it. No fuss or questions, just a hope that Dean could be happy. There was no denying that Dean loved his little brother more than anything right now.

…

The next day, Sam convinced Dean to get out of the room, although they only made it to the courtyard before Dean became anxious about going back to Cas. Sam assured him that everything was okay and took him to a nearby coffee stand. Dean fumbled for his wallet with shaky hands, and somehow managed to drop a handful of coins down into a storm drain. He groaned and told the barista to just forget about it.

An unfamiliar hand laid money on the counter of the coffee cart and the voice of its owner caught Dean's attention. The man had a light brown mop of hair and green eyes.

"On me. We all have our bad days."

Dean shook his head, "It's fine. Thanks anyway, man."

The man shook his head and placed his own order, handing Dean his coffee and shooing him away. Dean thanked him quietly before following Sam to a table in a sunny corner of the courtyard. They chatted about Dean's work and Sam's school and basically anything but Cas. It was better that way; they both needed a break.

Dean finished his coffee quickly and started nagging Sam about going back to Cas. There was a moment when Dean could see the question in Sam's eyes '_What are you going back for? Do you really think he'll be awake?_' Dean struggled not to ask himself that question as he led the way up to Cas' room.

Dean hustled Sam into the room only to find someone sitting in his chair.

"Who are you? What're you doing here?"

It was the same man from the coffee cart. Only a few minutes before he had looked like a happy-go-lucky guy, but now there were tears falling down his face and Dean saw the anguish he himself was feeling mirrored on this stranger's face. The man wiped his eyes.

"He's my brother. Who are you?"

Dean took a long time to snap out of the trance that those words formed and said, "I'm his… um, boyfriend?"

Cas' brother nly looked surprised for a few seconds. "I'm Gabriel. A nurse called me. Said he listed me as his emergency contact on his records. What has the doctor said?"

"He has a broken jaw, a few broken ribs and, um, the coma."

Gabriel stared at Cas for a moment before asking, "Are you Dean?"

"Y-yes?"

Gabriel gave a slight smile. "The last time we talked on the phone he wouldn't shut up about you. Going on about how you liked cars blah blah blah."

Dean warmed a little inside. "He talked about me?"

"Non- stop," Gabriel chuckled. "I could tell you were being good to him. Unlike that bag of dicks he'd been dating in high school, Jason."

Gabriel didn't seem to know that Cas had been with the guy just a few months ago- hell, he was with him 48 hours ago. Dean sat down on the chair next to Gabriel's.

"Um, how much do you know about Jason?" he asked tentatively.

"It was years ago. All I remember was that he was a great big bag of dicks."

Dean nodded. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know whether Cas would want his brother to know what was really happening with Jason. It had been hard enough for Dean to learn, but this man had probably been trying to protect Cas his whole life by the looks of it.

Dean sighed and sat down next to Gabriel and sipped his coffee, watching Cas breathe shallowly.

Both Dean and Sam warmed to Gabriel very quickly. He was there every day with coffee and pastries for each of them. Gabe left Dean and Sam alone with Cas at night because he knew it was Dean's ritual to sleep beside Cas' hospital bed. Dean had told him time and time again that he could go instead, but Gabe brushed it off.

One night, when Cas had been in the hospital for a few days, Dean rudely was awakened by sharp pain in his face. He grunted and tried to wake himself up but was forced back down by another blow. Dean opened his eyes only to find that everything was blurred and distorted. He blinked over and over and tried to focus on one point in the room. Another blow.

Dean reached out to bat away whatever was hitting him and caught a fist. He blinked up at the figure it belonged to and slowly came to recognize who it was.

His blood boiled as he drove his fist straight into Jason's stomach, his unexperienced hands learning how to fight with the help of adrenaline. He punched twice more, tears starting to pool in his eyes.

"You mother fucker! What are you doing here? How dare you come anywhere near him!"

Jason was fighting back. He stumbled all over the place, making Dean chase him. He was obviously drunk. His entire being reeked of alcohol.

"What do you mean what am I doing here? He's mine!" Jason slurred and Dean stood up, laying more punches into him.

_Don't you ever say that. He is mine. He is mine. _The tears continued to fall from his face as he pushed Jason onto the ground and started to kick him. There was the faint sound of Sam yelling in terror but he couldn't hear anything properly- only the sound of Cas' heart monitor and Dean's foot laying into Jason's stomach repeatedly.

The light in the room was switched on and Dean's eyes burned. He saw a flash of a security uniform before he was dragged out the door and down the corridor roughly. In the end, both he and Jason were thrown out of the hospital.

"You two are banned from visiting, we don't need that sort of thing here." One of the guards growled before walking back inside and locking the doors.

Jason limped away down the street as soon as he could, leaving Dean alone in the dark. He considered going home but then got a second wind and began to pound on the locked door, begging to be let in.

The guards motioned for him to get away from the building and shouted something muffled about having him arrested.

Dean sat down with his back pressed to the wall in defeat. His heart pounded and his head felt like it was on fire. He couldn't believe he had been kicked out. He shouldn't have gotten involved in the fight. But what choice did he really have when he woke up to being punched repeatedly in the face? He slumped, pained and morose.

He called Sam, who picked up on the first ring.

"Dean, what the hell happened?"

"Jason was in the room and he attacked me while I was asleep. I couldn't control myself and kicked the shit out of him. Is Cas okay?"

Sam sighed, "He's fine. How are you? Are you hurt? I'll come down."

Dean looked down at his cuts and bruises. He'd hate to think what his face looked like.

"No. It's fine. I don't want to risk you getting kicked out too."

"They kicked you out?" Sam asked, alarmed.

"Yeah. I'm banned from visiting," His voice wavered. He paused and thought for a moment "I'm sneaking in tomorrow night. I have to be with Cas."

Sam gasped. "Dean, do you know how much trouble you could get in?"

Dean winced "Yeah, I know." he said and hung up.

Dean smiled as he looked over at Cas. His face was practically glowing. He looked so healthy and lively. Cas took his hand as they walked through the park, talking about whatever meaningless thing came up. He squeezed Cas' hand and grinned at him, and Cas leaned over to kiss him. Dean took a moment to let the feeling sink in.

A hand shook him awake much too soon and he stared up at Gabriel. He was accompanied by another tall blond man.

"What the hell are you doing out here, Deano?"

Dean shook his head, not wanting to answer but know that he must. "Jason turned up. He punched me. We got in a fight. I got banned from visiting."

Gabe sighed.

"Good job, idiot. This is my brother Balthazar," Dean nodded half-heartedly at the tall man who looked at him quizzically before letting a sympathetic look fall on his face. "I brought food," He passed Dean his morning coffee and muffin. "You probably haven't eaten since I got you lunch yesterday. You're such a child."

Dean shrugged and bit into his blueberry muffin, enjoying how warm and comforting it felt in contrast to the cool, dark morning.

Gabriel excused himself to check on Cas and Dean couldn't help but envy him. He wanted more than anything to go upstairs with him and make sure that Cas was okay, but all he could do was sit and plan for his break-in.

Sam and Gabe came down later and had lunch with Dean, filling him on the absolutely nothing that had happened since he got kicked out. Balthazar joined them a little later and made chit-chat every so often with one of them, usually Sam. He was friendly enough but Dean didn't like how cocky and rich he was.

Dean wondered how much they had been through as children. He knew that their father had often beat them while in a drunken rage. Cas had said he had left home as soon as he was able, so maybe they didn't have all the happy memories in the world, but he could see in the way Gabe and Balthazar talked about him that they loved their brother dearly.

Dinner came and went and Dean was still sitting outside the hospital. He'd planned to be inside by now, but decided at the last minute that it was best to wait for an opportune moment. Dean waited in agony as he watched the minutes tick by on his phone's clock. People were swarming in and out of the building, most of them just coming home from work and going straight to their loved one's bedsides.

At nine o'clock it was time to go in. Visiting hours were over and most of the visitors were leaving. Dean got up and brushed past people on his way to the automatic doors. He put his head down and walked right in. No one stopped him, so he went straight down the corridor to the lifts and headed up. _Why did I have to wait until dark to do that again?_ He asked himself but still silently begged that security wouldn't see him on the cameras.

He entered Cas' room where Balthazar, Gabe, and Sam sat around playing poker. Dean smiled when he saw that Sam was winning; he had taught him well.

"How'd you manage?" Gabe asked, picking up a card.

"Pretty good, actually. I haven't been found out yet."

Gabe smiled and nodded. "Let's hope not. Just let us finish this game and then we'll clear off, okay?"

"No rush." Dean said, but was staring at Cas, wanting nothing more than to curl up next to him and lose himself in sleep.

Dean waited and waited and eventually the poker game was over, and the others were ready to leave. Gabe gave him and Sam a brotherly hug before leaving, which made Dean feel a little better. Sam excused himself to go get water, but didn't come back. Dean couldn't resist climbing onto Cas' bed and relaxing beside him, happy to see him again. He stroked the healing bruises on Cas' face as he fell asleep.

He started to dream of Cas again. These days his dreams were haunted by thoughts of Cas never coming back and him being alone. He had another dream where he was in Cas' position and everything was dark and lonely, the blackness of unconsciousness torturing him with every second.

A hand shook him awake and he groaned. "Sam?"

When there was no reply, he opened his eyes and squinted through the soft lamp light to see a familiar pair of blue ones.

**A/N: HELLO THERE AGAIN. How'd you like it? And how about that ending? So here is the link to Not Quite Cas: http:** ** s/8684469/1/Not-Quite-Cas  
Please review, I will love you and smother you with hugs if you do.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: So here it is, the final chapter. I feel weird putting this up. Anyway, for those of you still waiting for it, here it is; the end of Playing for Keeps. I hope you enjoy it.**

Cas and Dean lay there in the early hours of the morning, heads resting together, and didn't say a word. They were both terrified of breaking this new bubble around them. It was hard for either of them to believe this was even real, making the urge to be quiet stronger.

But, inevitably, the silence was broken and Cas was the one to do it.

"I'm so sorry, Dean." He cried, pressing his face into Dean's neck.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas. "Shh, Cas, it's okay…"

Slowly, Cas' violent sobs turned into small, sad hiccups. "Why are you still here after what I did?"

Dean carefully stroked one of the almost-healed scars on Cas' face and knew it would be there forever. He didn't mind. "I will always be here, Cas, I'm not going to budge."

They lay there silently again until the door creaked and Sam's head poked through. He froze, eyes popping when he saw Cas awake. "Cas… Hey… How are you?"

Cas nestled into Dean's embrace further "I'm just fine, Sam. Thank you for being here and waiting. Speaking of, what happened?"

Dean felt a shudder run down his spine. "It was Jason."

Cas closed his eyes, a tear running down his face. "Dean…"

"I told you, it's okay. I know."

"I was just so scared of you, Dean," Cas whimpered and reached up to touch a scar on his face. "And then this happened…"

Dean planted a kiss on Cas' cheek, as though conscious of Sam's presence (but he did not seem to care, really) and rested his forehead on Cas'.

Within the next week, Cas was discharged from the hospital and Dean took him home. They slowly went back to everyday life and Cas recovered bit by bit.

Dean was pleased to find that Cas was more eager than ever to participate in their relationship, baking him cookies and spending extra time on him in the bedroom. They had sorted all but one thing.

Dean held Cas' hand as they walked the steps of the police department and walked through the doors. Cas was terrified and Dean felt awful for making him go here, but it had to be done.

Jason sat in the small room for questioning, unable to see Cas on the other side of the glass for which Cas was grateful. Cas just nodded towards the officer. "That's him, yeah."

Dean felt even worse when they took Cas into a room, asking him go through the relationship, not a speck of their life left untouched, and then told Jason that he was under arrest. Before Cas left they told him that he would have to go to court to testify.

Cas was happy being able to put all of it behind him.

"He will never get near you again. I will always protect you." Dean whispered in Cas ear as the smaller man cuddled up to him in the car on the way home. It felt so right, nothing had ever felt more right than having Cas in his arms right then because he didn't give a shit about Cas hurting him, none of it really mattered anymore.

**3 months later**

Dean opened his eyes, soft lights easy on his eyes. There were whispers all around him and he tried to block them out. He squeezed tighter on the hands in his and met a pair of loyal blue eyes that always seemed to come back to him. He could vaguely hear the words of a Celibate babbling on to them- he knew he should be more respectful than that but he really couldn't see or hear anything else.

This was happening.

He would spend the rest of life with the man in front of him.

Dean's eyes grazed along the scars on Cas' face. Ones that made Cas scared of going outdoors because he thought he was hideous. He couldn't have been more wrong, though, he was so beautiful. Everything about him was light and perfect. Cas caught him staring at the scars and dropped his head a little in shame. Dean nearly cried right there.

He took Cas' chin and lifted his head, carefully stroking the month-old scars, letting Cas know without his words that he loved him- scars and all, no matter if they were physical or something more deep-seated.

He shifted eyes to Sam- looking big and strong in his tux. He was all grown up and Dean was frightened for a moment, feeling a sense of loss. Sam was heading off on a scholarship to a school that was much better for him. Chances were, he really was going to Harvard in a few years and he would find a girl and be happy.

Gabe and Balthazar were grinning at him making kissy faces and Dean chuckled. They had something ahead of them too, Gabe making it big in the comedy industry and Balthazar continuing his happy life as a rich bachelor. Balthazar didn't like to admit it, but Dean and Cas knew how happy he was around family- he doted on the couple constantly.

A command was uttered for them to complete the ceremony with a kiss and Dean's stomach flip-flopped as he reached out to tug the other playfully towards him and press his lips against Cas'.

The crowd that consisted of Bobby, Ellen, Jo, a few of Dean's friends from school and other family members spotted here and there cheered for them.

Dean had never felt so much pride, he may have had little- but he had it all.

**A/N again: So there it was. I hope you liked it and I hope even more that you've liked reading this series. I love you all and will continue writing other Destiel stories.**


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